10.08.2026
hello, this entry will be long and it will be a MESS. it was written over the course of around a week or so (from 9.29 ~ 10.8). i actually feel a lot better right now, but here’s what the original start of the entry was going to be LMFAO 
1. my situationship…
im not gonna lie, im so heartbroken that i cant even think of the words i want to write. i have so much i want to say, but i just can’t find exactly what i should say.
well, okay. that’s what i did write the night before. and every night when i go to lay in my bed, i get sad all over again. i feel distraught and tears behind my eyes each night again. it is incredibly hard for me to focus on other things. i bought a the marias poster today, i’m nowhere near their biggest fan, but my heart hurts so badly each day that they’ve been the only music i feel like listening to. the poster actually looks quite nice in my room though…
unfortunately i am a fragile human being who is very emotional. i feel strongly about everything in my life, no matter the topic. i care about everything and everyone and yearn for someone to console me. so, of course, i have gotten myself into situations as such.
i met this guy back in may who’s a year above me who goes to my school. we talked for a few days and i flirted with him and we didn’t speak all summer. eventually, i began to talk to him again, he just didn’t know i was the same person, and we actually talked. all day, every day, for a week. then i got his number. we spoke for weeks. the more we spoke, the more i became invested and interested in him. he seemed to feel the same way. i just want to document these things so i don’t feel so insane (i know im not. however.)
and now here's me in the present again. i was actually miserable when i was writing that stuff previously to be honest, my heart genuinely felt like it had been ripped from my chest and i felt lost and confused. i digress. let me tell you this story! this guy and i have spoken for around a month now, every day, for weeks and weeks. i would say im friends with him as well. we also spoke rather sexual and he would constantly talk about wanting to freak w/ me. he'd constantly talk about kissing me, making out with me, freaking me, he'd call me beautiful.... ah.. so that is the context for you here.
so, we talked since the beginning of september. so it's been around a month of this back and forth. then, i finally make it to college! i've moved in, i'm here. and as soon as i actually get here, everything changes. in the first bit it was fine, he spoke a little less to me but did admit he was a bit 'scared' now that i was actually in his city (whatever that means). i was like okay, its fine. personally i really wanted to see him bcs well… i feel like we get along really really well, even just as friends, and we’d been talking for 3 weeks already and you know i assumed the logical thought process there was that now we’re both on campus we can meet up irl and talk (or more than that! but i am not one to fuck that early fr. because im insecure about my body a lil bit.).
i did see him in real life at one point, it was the first night he arrived on campus and he texted me like yo you wanna freak! and i was like alright boy. im not gonna freak you but ill say hello. the day before also happened to be his birthday so i had some gifts for him i wanted to give him. thus, i showed up to his dorm lobby. and he just started at me… like i was mentally ill… and then eventually walked away and idk. he said he was just scared/embarassed but it annoyed me SO FUCKING BAD that i went home and cried bcs what is the matter with you and why would you react like that. afterwards whenever id say i wanted to see him he’d either a. somewhat dodge the offer/question or b. say ‘ill see what i can do’. son. he said he needed time to process things in his life, which, typically id be like ok! but… we had been talking for almost a month at that point…. so why would you not try and process stuff before talking to me like that… and it would bother me SO FUCKING BADD bcs he’d leave me on delivered all day but i’d see him on YIKYAK all day😭
but no… its like a switch went off as soon as i appeared here, he began to text me less (he’d still respond within a good period of time), and became more dry (altho he was already dry beforehand). he would stop talking about me/asking for a selfie of me and instead would just say random shit or nothing at all. i immediately noticed and got kinda scared because like… wtf did i do! and then it REALLY started to bother me. he’d lost all of the interesting spark he had before, his messages to me were extremely dry, he’d leave me on delivered for hours (and in the past, if i left him on delivered for even 2-3 hours, he’d text again and say ‘omg u hate mee’ ‘ur cheating on me’).
i wrote this to myself to make myself feel better but, um… that’s nice sweetie
he said he likes to talk to you and wants to kiss you. but he also said he needs space and time. so calm down. he says he needs space and he's khia and wants time to adjust. give him time. give him time. everything is fine even though he's avoiding you. its fine. everything is okay give him space. it' going to be okay he said he needs time to 'process' and wants to get adjusted again. let it go its OKAY you're okay. if he doesn't adjust after another week you can bother him. that's my rule. im a strong independent man and yes i have a crush and it tears me apart. but im brave. STAND UP. GET UP. GIRL. im thankful to be a malcom todd charli xcx gay boy instead of olivia rodrigo boy. cries
because of this, my mental health lowkey TANKED within the first couple days of me being in college. at night i would kind of just sit down and cry because i felt very ignored and very lead on/confused. i was so used to talking to him all the time all day and getting attention from him, and suddenly not having that really got me. i felt kinda better on my second weekend bcs i distracted myself by getting shit faced at a party and then the next day going to another party nd smoking and getting kissed #igotplay BUT. BUT MY DAY WAS STILL EFFECTED ILL TELL YOU WHY
as my friend and i were walking back from the party, it was like 12:45AM and we’re getting to the bus, we turn the corner, and guess who’s there. my fine shyt. he’s with a group of like 6 other people and we make eye contact and just kind of stare at one another and i awkwardly give him a look and then we just keep walking. so we’re standing quite a bit away, and im not facing him because i had actually left him on read hours before. my friend is facing him and they’re telling me about how he keeps looking over at us, and that they made eye contact multiple times. it was so awkward but also surreal to run into him.. like what cosmic force made that occur. then they randomly walked away even tho it seemed like they were waiting for the bus. idk why they did that.
so we reached the point where im at now, which is that i feel rather confused, annoyed, and also very sad. i like him a lot, and he seemed to also be interested in me very much so up until i made it to college. i tried to tell him the other night that i was outside of his dorm and he should come outside, but he said he was scared and freaked out and wanted to be alone, so i let it go. i started to feel a little insane, even though it was my friends idea to go outside his dorm. i feel crazy, because its become very hard to communicate with him and he gives me such strange mixed signals. so i sigh in sadness, because i can’t figure this feeling out at all, and why he’s treating me so strangely and so differently.
and, well…as soon as it started, it ended. i tried to talk to him irl again and ended up knocking on his door after telling him multiple times over the course of 2 hours i was going to do so, he got upset, said he would talk to me the next day, but ended up sending me a message in the middle of the night saying that we were unhealthy ‘needed a break’, despite us barely speaking. so ill just kms. i keep feeling like i blew it and i couldve done something differently and that im dumb but, all of my friends say i didn’t do anything wrong, so… im trying to get over it. he never responded to the messages i sent in response (2+ days ago now) so.. i don’t know.
it just feels so strange to have someone i was really into and spoke to everyday suddenly no longer in my life anymore, and because of the type of person i am, i tend to think its because of me or its my fault. why?
2. how’s college?
im officially in college! wow! i do in fact love my school and i am very happy. however, i;ve been extremely sick for the past 2 weeks (i’ve had a temp of 101-102 since the first few days i got to campus) which im sure is probably hurting my perception of it a little bit.
my campus is beautiful, i’ll probably mention which school i’m going to at some point, i digress. i have a really amazing schedule of classes; i only have class 3 days a week. on the other two days of the work week i work for 3 hours a day on campus. honestly, i got incredibly lucky this year, and i think someone above was definitely helping me in some fashion LOL because i also got a really amazing dorm with my own room.
however, it’s just been ruined since i’ve been so fucking sick. i still have that fever and now i actually have a sinus infection too! i keep coughing and blowing my nose #kms i like actually have the worst fucking freshman flu ever. im kind of surprised by myself though because i haven't cried or been sad about being away from home despite being on the other side of the country now. it feels so freeing to be away from my family and be independent and on my own. i’ve lowkey been doing some stuff behind my mom’s back though which terrifies me but i know its for my own good and i can’t be my own true self without it. i actually had a lowkirk panic attack over it but. oh well. i also went to my first ever party guys!!!!! i got drunk as hell and made friends! then the next day i went to another party and had my first cig (i didn’t drink) and kissed this cute guy 😍😍😍 but then i saw my situationship at the bus stop and he just started at me and my friend (as i mentioned earlier)
i’ve also seen jane remover, i’m about to see aespa, i’ve made lots of friends (hoping to make more though), had good food and mid food, averaged 15k steps over the last two weeks, and many other things. prices here are FUCKING AWFULLY EXPENSIVE but, thankfully i have a job, albeit i am currently feeling broke as fuck. i love walking places, i love that i can actually exercise and be outside, my flatmates are nice, its just been hard to keep up with things because i am so so sick.
so... do i have anything else to say? not really. im still trying to get used to college and all of it, while also being immediately sick and also heartbroken. what a lovely fucking way to start college bro😭😭😭😭😭😭 hey at least i can do things like go to parties and buy ice creams and food whenever i want. to all my friends who are not in college yet... i hope it fixes you. but i also hope you feel things you have never felt before and be happy for the person that you will become, and more importantly, that you can be yourself.
