12.16.25

it is a few hours before my early decision decision. my head really hurts bcs i think a sinus infection is coming on, i feel quite sick to my stomach, and honestly i am just a bit sad… for the past few days i have been trying to teach myself to deal with rejection but it has been really hard to make myself realize. like ill be like its gonna be okay and then 10 seconds later im planning my acceptance tiktok edit in my head 🤓 no u need to stfu.
i applied to columbia early decision… and i wouldn’t say it’s a mistake, but rather just a pipe dream… like there’s not anywhere else i think i would’ve put my early decision. but i am such a mid applicant that there is simply no way. i have perfect grades, but i havent cured cancer nor have i done MITES or started a nonprofit… i feel like my extracurriculars are decent but they’re not anything crazy. im also disappointed because they don’t really connect to my major. and i feel like that’s gonna put me at a big disadvantage/make the admissions officers be confused by my application. i went TEST OPTIONAL too… i feel like i really jus killed myself with that.
there’s no way im getting in and it sucks. im just writing this to make it clear to myself…i’m not really upset as much about not going to columbia specifically, but rather, the fact that i have to write a hell of a lot more applications in regular decision 😭 like TRULY i am more upset about all the essays i have to write. i’ve been feeling so burnt out lately and i just want a break… i just don’t think im cut out to be an ivy league student despite all ive done 😞i will likely end up going to either university of washington or fordham which are both very nice schools, i just wish i had a nice name to go alongside it yk. but there’s always my graduate program, etc. so it’s okay

let me just lock in… you will not be getting in columbia. and it WILL be okay its literally not that big of a deal nobody else in ur class even applied to ivy league (except for this one nerd who apply to the big green 🤓☝️you are still very smart and capable you are just tired. ngl im almost considering taking a gap year. you won’t get into columbia, but you still have a lot ahead of you, and you CAN do regular decision. its going to suck ass from butt but itll be okay…
i just feel bad because im disappointing my mama even though shes already proud of me because of fordham, i just wish i was able to say i could do better. but regular decision gives me time to reflect and learn from my early applications. im happy to be a hard worker, and whatever happens, it will be okay. ive already been accepted to a school i enjoy and i will be fine! just tweaking right now. pray for me