5.24.25

school is finally over… jesus. these past few weeks have been a little bit of a whirlwind for me i cant lie… i mean i really don’t remember the last time i properly updated my site. first i had the SAT, then AP exams, then my actual exams… and today was graduation.
to be honest im not really sure how to feel about graduation… i have so many mixed emotions leaving that scene behind. i go to a very small school so the graduating class was only ~60, but i knew at least 10-12 graduating decently well. and yet, does anyone else feel this way?? on graduation do you ever feel kind of like an annoying ass little cousin running around 😭im a whole junior and felt like a freshman. there were so many people i had to say goodbye to today. the friends who have stuck by me for 3 years of my school life so far. my closest friend… i also saw some of my friends who graduated back in 2023 and omg i almost dropped everything… i was so happy to see them T_T
but. does anyone else get this way about instagram… you will be somebody’s (assumedly) close friend, have numerous pictures with them, but they never include you? i often feel selfish for feeling this way, but its happened to me multiple times, so i kinda felt less bad… it often makes me think; am i bad person? like… is there something im doing where maybe my sense of reality is just totally different from everybody else’s and i'm actually like not that close at all??? like it has me feeling delusional 😭i remember my closest friend in middle school … we both went to same highschool and at the end of freshman year she posted something along the lines of… here's to everyone who made this year worth it. and the school mascot made the cut yet i did not…
i felt this way today just bcs i took a lot of photos for not only my closest friend, but a lot of other people. i sent them to her in a google drive, and while i dont want to share her photos online, i can at least say i thought they were really nice.. the more i take portrait photography the better i get at it and it’s my favorite form. anyway… 😭like this sounds so greedy!!! but she didn't post any of them… and she didn’t post any pics of her and i or anything… like this is her graduation post… some random ass ppl i dont even know be making it in 🥲
and maybe some people who are reading this understand and others think i'm being petty. which is fair. i really do feel like this sometimes, but then i realize how sad it makes me feel, and i don’t feel as hard on myself. i feel like this weird autistic child that is being left out of every function despite being there. like im just the shadow in the background at the end of the day despite seemingly being a big part of others experiences. it makes me feel like im doing something gravely wrong… but i have always tried to be kind to others, i always think of others before myself. im no martyr but i can acknowledge my own personality. so it makes me feel some sort of way… like there is something inherently wrong and unlikeable about me. and i know… like it is an instagram post. but that is merely one of many other examples. i hope at least one person can understand me reading this…
anyway 😭 that’s my reintroduction re-update back into updating my blog. hopefully i will be at least marginally busy this summer. i’ve been rejected from 4 summer programs so far but still 2 more out in the open, and im working on a funding / grant project with some other students on public policy, so i really hope it works out & im really excited! this month has just been hard for me… for the first time in a long time i feel doubtful of myself both socially and in my abilities. hopefully ill have a better update soon sorry haha