07.06.2026
moscow mule
this title is pretty corny but oh well 😭 im not sure how else to explain how i feel!
right now something is DEEPLY wrong with me... but also i feel very fulfilled. all the sudden i've gained friends and i just feel so happy and like oh my god all my prayers are finally being answered. but i also have SO much regret like i feel so stupid and now i have so many emotions.. let me explain🤕🤕
so a few months before i graduated (probably sometime in february/march) i switched lunch tables bcs i was getting tired of the one i was at and lowkey everyone there was weirdd 😭 so i had asked one of my friends that i lowkey was 'good' friends with (but i wasn't in his daily roster of friends if that makes sense) to sit with him at lunch. and he was like yeah absolutely... and that is how it began, technically. TECHNICALLY ive actually known him for 3 years because we both went to india together. back then i thought he was chill too but i had other stuff going on in my life and just didnt rlly give him any mind 😭anyway so after that i talked to him everyday. then, after i graduated, he added me discord and we basically started playing games together with some of his/my other friends. like, i already have 20 hours in one game, and 15 in another we’ve been playing…
the reason i feel so bad is because i realized i was lowkey just ignoring him for awhile (especially during my senior year) NOT on purpose at all but i was just so busy and drained during that year that i didnt even think about it and thats my fault. but it also just gave me so regret because we could’ve been friends so much sooner… like i could just cry thinking abt how i completely blew it😓😓😓 because this guy i feel like we have soo much in common, like he is such an interesting person and it was very refreshing bcs we live in such a rural, hivemind-like area where everyone is just the same and is fake. if that makes sense. i also just dont have a lot of male friends, assumedly because i am gay, so FINALLY having a group of male friends is actually like gold loot 😭i do love all of my friends but 95% of them are girls and sometimes i just wanna do some bullshit with other guys yk. so im just feeling so #happy 🤦♂️
another thing… my friend drives a tesla. yeah i know mods stone this guy this one right here. i finally rode in it yesterday….. and…… god i hate to say this but yall it was kind of like a little bit cool😭ok kill me😭 it has so many things you can do in it but i liked the auto driving the most… like my friend could just hit one button and just sit there and fuck around it was kind of crazy because as you all know I FUCKING HATE DRIVING so that was kind of incredible. but ngl like it was really fun… 😭 like you could hit so many different buttons and when we parked for a bit you could literally play fucking games on the screen like u could literally play stardew valley. so while i would never, EVER admit i liked the tesla… i kind of did. but thats between you and me NO ONE ELSE WILL KNOW. also the car’s inside is really clean/slick which is nice. the only thing my friend said that bothered me is that he inferred he liked elon musk which rubbed me the wrong way real bad
anyway idk how im still on this topic but i just really really am feeling so special and i think i just have a friendship crush, like i really want to be around my friend bcs i think hes so cool and interesting but i could never admit this😭😭😭so i admit it to you all here… he also really likes perfumes/colonge like i do, i left my fleece in the back of his car for like 6 hours and when i came home i realized that it smelt like what he was wearing and ohhh ion wanna put it back in my closet😭😭is there something wrong with me? like why do i feel this way.. i need to buy more perfume now.
i do get picked on quite a bit which is a little annoying. im fine with being like the one who’s made fun of as long as they dont TRULY mean it because altogether ya they dog on me but when im hanging out with just one person theyre all chill so i know they dont actually lowkey hate me. but all of them have taken up the joke of calling me ‘it’ AND ITS PISSING ME AWF😭😭😭 like ‘why is it talking’ LIKE KILL YOURSELF. anyway.
that’s lowkey all i have to say… i just wanted to talk about my friends and im just very happy that i finally have a proper group of friends. meanwhile my friends in my other trio leave me on read for a week at time and we were meant to buy a flight ticket over a month ago and i just never got a response. anyway ill see yall later