8.27.2026
moving out will be one of the best experiences of my life. i still have another month (wow) until i leave for college and WOW your buddy oceanfront is ready to go
to put it simply… i come from a family who has a lot of unaddressed mental health issues! i have to try to restrain myself from putting my whole heart on a page but one of the people i live with has serious anger management and impulse control issues. however, the star is really my mom, who i (the armchair psychologist) have a theory that she has bpd. it goes like this: for a couple weeks or a month or however long, she’ll be relatively normal and fine. but all the sudden, for a week or two at random, she will be the most evil, insufferable person that i’ve ever been around, and every conversation will have her freaking out, calling me names, etc.
you may be wondering son why are you putting this on your blog! and yeah i agree with you 🤦♂️unfourtunately i don’t really have anyone in my life to dump this type of baggage on, so.. i write it to you. i’ve lived with this issue my entire life, and it’s seriously effected my self image and how i interact with other people. i’m much shyer than i should be, and i tend to think everything is my fault.
since my dad was a narc, everyone in my family was obviously affected by that to a certain extent, and my mom thinks that since the evil is out of the house that everyone should be happy and fine, but she can’t comprehend that she is also the issue. whenever we argue, she always talks about how it’s a ‘side effect of my trauma with my dad’. when i was in therapy, she would always pressure me that i HAD to talk about my dad with my therapist or she would pull me out of therapy. 😭😭 its so distressing
like… the other night she ha a paper for some sort of class action lawsuit that had been sitting on the counter for days and she had been saying “i don’t understand it, why would they send it to me, i don’t know what it means” and considering she’d been saying the same shit for days i just picked it up and said this is what it means. and she then said “i know that.” so i was like okay… well you said you didn’t understand so i thought i’d just explain it and walked away. then after she left she’s like “everyone just treats me like i’m fucking stupid or like i’m a fucking idiot..” and i was like wow what the FUCK are you on about 😭 and stuff like that about how i’m a terrible person and i treat everyone like they’re dumb! like girl YOU ASKED 🤦♂️
as you all also know i still don’t have my license😪😪 and because my mom never wants to drive with me/help me practice (but will always complain that i don’t have it), this year i’ve only driven like probably 6-8 hours max. well we finally started practicing again after over a 2 month break, and the day after we started practicing she scheduled my drivers test. so i said why did you do that, i’m not ready at all. well i was right because i promptly failed the test. i made the mistake multiple times that day of not slowing fast enough. so my mom’s response was to tell me to stop “blaming other people” when i told her “i told you i wasn’t ready”. and that i knew i kept making this mistake and “didn’t fix it”. mind you it was WITHIN 3 HOURS OF EACH OTHER. and i was like “i made this mistake all today i cannot just fix a habit in one day” 😭 she threw a fitttt and told me to get out!!! like oh my god it’s like reasoning with a toddler…
anyway if you did actually read this i love you and thanks for listening to my ramblings.. shit like this just bothers me so much because its so illogical. but that’s the thing– you can’t reason with people like this because they’re extremely mentally ill! my mom also drinks often and it makes her ‘symptoms’ worse. maybe what i’ve said in this journal doesn’t sound like much but she has done other things that i’m ngl have ruined my life in instances.
reading these is a little bit funny because i sound 12 like why am i editing dress to impress images KSJDFJHDSK but these are just some of many of the ways my mom just beats me down… i really don’t know what’s wrong with her but she’s constantly enabled and it just hurts me so much. i wish i had a mom that actually saw me as a human being and didn’t think that every time i disagreed with her or asked her a question im ‘gaslighting’ her. i’m just feeling heartbroken and waiting for her episode to be over. i want to move so badly, and i will soon.
