brokeback mountain (2005)

my favorite movie is my own torture. everytime i watch it, everytime i think of it, its a punch to the gut. each time i want to watch it, i have to mentally prepare myself and my space... having watched brokeback mountain 5 times now (truly the most times ive rewatched a movie except for ready player one when i was like. 10.) i cannot begin to describe my feelings towards this film. i see so much of myself in it and i constantly long for it, but rarely watch it as i can't bear to have it watered down in my head.

again, this film is.. everything to me. growing up in rural virginia, and also being gay, i am very closely attached to it. the customs, the values, even the interior designs and the outfits are just things i've grown up with. growing up i'd go between two houses often, one of them being hours away and all of its interior stuck in the 60s. i'd learned to ride my pony, we'd pass by abandoned buildings quite often, etc... so having watched this movie for the first time when i was around 15 lowkey changed my life. i can't explain what younger me was feeling at the time, as i can't remember... but all i know is that it truly did change something in me. from then on, instead of trying to hide and cast out the country part of myself, i've embraced it at least somewhat more. at times i definitely dress a bit more in the style, like when i was a cowboy zombie for halloween... anyway.

brokeback mountain is special because it doesn't just tell a love stroy, it tells the story of two men's entire lives. both of their lives are rather different, but they're woven into one person by the story. even when they're apart from one another, even for years at a time, the impression that one has left on the other is evident in every single scene. wether its in their actions, their words, even the longing on their face.. the two are tainted by their feelings for eachother and can't handle the scrutinty that the outside world could possibly put onto them, so they fight eachother instead. obviously, its not just the story of being 'gay', but how men express themselves and vocalize their emotions. and again now that ive watched it so many times... i see it second as a romance but first as just a complete tragedy, for both ennis & jack and also the entire world at the time. to this day we are still persecuted in certain areas and countries, so what about 50 years ago? even 30? its a time capsule on the world that we used to live in (albeit being made in 2005). ennis is constantly pushing away how he feels; to the point where he tells jack he has nothing and no one. he chooses to punish himself so strongly that he feels like he has nothing left of himself or his life. meanwhile, jack is the one who expresses himself more, if barely, and ends up being killed for it.

a part of me is still suprised we were able to break out of the total stigma of homosexuality so soon. but another part is wondering where the phobia resurfaced from in the first place. anyway... these are my ramblings for now. i always get so emotional when i talk about this movie because it truly is a piece of my personality and my soul in more ways than one... i hope each one of you can come to enjoy this film as much as i do.